Body image… such a complicated thing.
I mentioned in a recent IG post that mine has been shit recently but I’m okay at ignoring it. This is true but the funny thing is that my body image wasn’t good before, and I’m actually partially happy right now.
Last summer/autumn (2020) I gained 20lbs and since then another few (last week I was up another 5 but I think that was period bloat…maybe…or maybe not). Prior to that, I was too thin and actually Super self-conscious. I wouldn’t wear a tank top without a cardigan because I felt my arms were too thin. I wouldn’t smile in photos because I felt my face would look too thin. I had no bum and only wore leggings with long tops.
I was not happy with how clothes fit or looked, didn’t wear a quarter of what I own, but wasn’t really fully committed to change anything.
Enter the desire for a baby…20lbs in just a couple months. Done. It’s not really surprising though, I’m definitely someone who will get shit done once I’ve committed. Type A, perfectionist, pretty hard worker.
At the beginning, most went to my stomach which is normal but I do think it had redistributed a little bit. My arms and legs are not sticks and I actually have a real bum. I’ve grown into and out of some of my clothes which is a bit of a mind fuck, but I also enjoy wearing so much more because I’m totally confident showing off my arms, back, legs, etc.
Where I’m not loving the changes is my stomach and the fact that I have a solid amount of cellulite on my thighs and bum. I know logically that this is normal but it doesn’t mean I like it. For my stomach, it’s not that I want intense abs, it’s the fact that I have not great digestion and am often quite distended and bloated…(colitis and IBS-D).
So while I’m not loving parts of my body, I’m also way more confident in so many other areas.
Body image is a mind fuck.
The good thing is that I’m able to acknowledge this but not do anything about it. I’m definitely not eating less, actually quite the opposite (ate everything in sight last week on my period). I’m pretty proud of myself and the way I’m objectively observing these thoughts but moving on. I am kind of aiming for body acceptance, or body neutrality, not necessarily loving every aspect. Some days I am definitely feeling way hot and other days not so much, but I think this is normal of most people. Maybe some people love their bodies all of the time and that is amazing, but it is not where I am right now and that is okay too.
I likely need to do a major wardrobe overhaul but that’s okay. I tried on a pair of shorts today which were a hard no. Oh well.
Again, keeping the end goal in mind: grow a human and aiming for body acceptance and neutrality, right now those are good enough.