I wrote a couple of weeks ago that I had found the sperm of my dreams…but I never clicked order.
I found out that this particular donor has about 30 samples left, so it is not unlimited. I still did not click order.
I told myself that it was because I don’t know when I will be able to start trying (body still not cooperating and next apt on the 30th), and I didn’t want to pay the $25/month storage fee…but realistically that was an excuse as I am spending $2,000 on sperm…what is an extra $25? And hopefully I wouldn’t need to store for too long!
And yet I still have not ordered.
Part of me still hopes that I will somehow meet the man of my dreams (not just sperm) and he will want a baby immediately and we will live happily ever after.
Realistically, I know that is not going to happen. I mean, we are in the middle of a pandemic. I am most definitely not actively dating right now and not meeting anyone at all.
The other part of me would really just love to know the person who donates. Even if they don’t want to be part of the child’s life, I would really like to be able to say to them that X is your biological father and hope that the man would maybe be open to having some sort of relationship, even if they don’t want to play a part in raising the child (which I am totally okay with).
Ordering the sperm just feels so final…and that my options of finding someone I know who would be open to being part of this process ends once I click order.
I have been thinking so much about this over the last few weeks and really trying to think of someone I know who might A) be open to helping me out and give me their sperm or B) might actually want a child but not be in a relationship. B would be ideal. And C) is just a really good person, with a good family and who is kind.
So where does that leave me? Well, I am actually asking someone I know and have known for years. He is a relative of my best friend and it would be so ideal. I am not going to write any more about it yet as he has a lot of thinking to do…I mean, if he says yes, even once, I am locking him in and not letting him take it back. And I suppose it is a pretty significant life decision.
If he says no, that is okay, I don’t blame him. I will be back to the donor route and that is okay too. The fact that he is thinking about it is exciting.
We will see what happens!